17.12.2025

Retracing my school bus journeys like old rituals.

My mind is as muffled as the sun today, melted like butter behind the clouds. I sit here watching the shops I used to pass by every day for years, familiar yet strangely untouchable behind the glass.

I flip back to a sketch I made this time last year during concert rehearsal, noticing how the lines soften under my clouded gaze. We only realise warmth once we slip away from its embrace. Sadness returns to me like an old friend.

It's almost my stop now. I'm going to step off the bus and greet my friends with a big smile when we go for lunch. We're all hurting a little, I know. At home tonight I'm going to feel the weight of the past crawl into my bed, demanding me to hold it within my arms again.

Here is the train station, the traffic lights at the corner which turns into the crematorium, the graveyard, the pergola which is beautiful during the summer, the quaint residential houses with trimmed hedges, the silhouette of the church, achingly tender against the purple sky. Here stands the school so still in space and time.

16.12.2025

Year after year I have laid in the same bed under the same roof crying about losing touch with the little girl inside me. Each and every one of my past selves grieved and is grieved.

Sitting and working with my pain isn't doing anything. They said I could make it beautiful. They said I could invite it in for tea and get it to talk. But after so many months all the void is doing is consuming me and keeping me from getting out of bed. The pain is neither elegant nor melancholic. It's raw and ugly like skin scraping on concrete. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.

4.12.2025

"Jackson Pollock is one of Greenberg's prime examples of an artist whose work is supposedly 'pure' wihtout semantic function. But an interestingly different approach is suggested in Joseph Campbell's The Mythic Image, where Pollock's Autumn Rhythm is reproduced alongside a passage from the Buddhist Prajnaparamita literature: 'Like stars, like darkness, like a lamp, a phantom, dew, bubbles, a dream, a flash of lightning, and a cloud - this is how we should look upon the world.', Campbell in other words, reads Autumn Rhythm as a cosmological diagram of flux and indeterminacy, as at times Pollock himself seems to have done.

Can art evoke emotions without recalling images? -Nicolas Calas "

- Art and Discontent, Thomas McEvilley

I have decided that I do not like writing with this extra-fine nib. Maybe the Waterman ink isn't as dark as I'd like, or there's an issue with the flow quality, but it's tiring to write with it - like I need to purposely press down into the paper.

Also feeling unsatisfied with my journalling ecosystem (yet again!) It's because I currently do not have a portable size daily journal, and haven't gotten round to refilling my homemade one (I don't have good quality loose leaf paper at home), so my thoughts have just been scribbled down in my to-do notebook or in my Notes app. I said I wanted to start a commonplace book, too, but that hasn't happened yet.

A lot hasn't happened. I find myself increasingly frustrated at my inability to wake up one day and decide to live beautifully. I keep throwing away the present for an irretrievable past and a vague, beautiful future.

It's not easy to notice growth when life settles into routine, when you come home tired every day, when you're just trying to make it through the days. I almost forget I'm an artist.

That's a lie. I'll never forget. The day I forget, I'll be dead. I think that's the point of growth: the thoughts and quotes and images and small connections you draw between them every day, to be stored in the ether, waiting to come out one day as art. That brings me some comfort. I'm not neglecting my art; I'm simply filling the well.

Today was a lucky day ^_^ After submitting my programming coursework I decided to check out the local bookstore and stumbled across this book on modernist/postmodernist art criticism (which the above quote is from) (as well as a Mallarme biography - with drawings by Matisse! - and The Old Man and the Sea). I decided to start it on the train to and from Waterloo and wow... so many connections were drawn. Formalism, Levi-Strauss, Buddhist philosophy, Abstract Expressionism, Yves Klein (and a wonderful interpretation of his work)...

By understanding art I understand myself! Ultimately everything I read is an attempt to find and shape my identity and its relation to art and the outside world. I might not understand everything I read but I know it's important.

28.11.2025

Japanese Shoegaze always evokes in me a sense of nostalgia, even though it has nothing to do with my childhood.

An afternoon walk today. There are patches of low-lying leaves in the park, pear-yellow and fresh against the bare grey branches they grow amongst. A break from the intensely elegiac hues of this year's autumn.

27.11.2025

During the Ravel String Quartet today I thought about how music is a flame passed carefully around the players, sometimes held by one player, sometimes swelling into something which hovers over them all. Something so tender about the way a candle passes its flame to another in the darkness.

I need to buy a new journal soon.

27.11.2025

The cage is all I know and the bars are made of the love inside me that can't make its way out. In fact the cage was constructed from this sense of guilt for the love I owed, the love I had to repay, the love I so selfishly took for granted every day.

Everything crushes me until I can't bear to hold it and achievement is the only way I know to ease the weight. Every moment spent working is an act of love, a repayment of the debt, a way to show I cared, I'm grateful, I'm a filial child, I'm a good daughter, someone to be proud of...

21.11.2025

Warning: upsetting content

 But there is still this primal urge to create... to let all this energy out... to offer myself to the world, to love, to love, to love so faithfully and silently and continuously... to do something with this consciousness... to try to grasp as much as I can of life before I disappear... perhaps the void was borne of my inability to live, to choose for myself, to allow myself to exist in the world. So perhaps it's just me; this void is just a product of my own cowardice. I didn't need counselling. I didn't need coping strategies. I needed to feel my hands grasping onto something solid that I could call existence, leaving fingerprints of art. I was born to create and denied myself that very impulse. I feel like a child in a dark room, without a key to the outside. Maybe the key doesn't exist. Maybe it was right in front of me and I chose to throw it out of the window. And why? Why? Why have I done this to myself?
What is wrong with me?
What do I need to do to become a person? What am I missing? What was I not taught? Am I too broken? I alternate between blaming myself and blaming my family. I know I shouldn't be doing either. But who else can I blame? What caused all of this? Am I battling or resigning to fate?

But I am so young. Of course. Every day it gets more unbearable. I feel my sadness and then scoff. I cry and laugh at myself for crying. What is wrong with me?

...And there is so much anger in this house. Anger which I have learnt to survive with. I feel so terrified of being useless, discarded, dismissed. How could I ever get my life together when this house tears it apart every time? How can I hear my own thoughts and desires when their shouting drowns everything out? Noone knows just what I've gone through in here. It's become part of me and I hate myself for it. The door is open but I cannot tear myself away from the cage. It feels impossible. The cage is all I know.

21.11.2025

I have come to the conclusion that sunlight in winter is so much more tender because it is so fleeting. Not the summer sun which veers into ugly heat, but rather a brittle, ice-like restraint. Today as I walked through Strand I watched the winter light paint on glass: the gridded windows of the old church became a pixelated image of the yellow and blue sky; the turquoise scales of the skyscrapers glinting menacingly, metallic and deep. And in the brown Thames as well, the white boats with neon highlights, the brilliant, startling reflections, the vertigo effect of the seagulls flying so closely overhead.

It's sharp yet pastel, fading the streets into a photograph, under the quiet grey-blue sky of a watercolour miniature.

10.11.2025

Under the chromatic stars that hang off the streetlamps, shadow becomes a scared animal, slinking under cars and beside walls and tracing the metal curves of decorative gates, empty road shimmering like the surface of the sea. My breath steams during my evening walks home now.

Today in my programming lecture we came across ELIZA, a natural language processing program written in the 1960s. Unthinking electricity speaking in blue-green code, vague enough to be mistaken for prophecy.

10.11.2025

There is prose which crackles and explodes and there is prose which unfurls like a flower in bloom and there is prose which echoes like someone added too much reverb and there is prose that is as still as a lake in cold sunlight and there is feverish-hot prose like a crowded room and then there is the in-between, a TV-static prose which simply exists, glimpses of open sky, glimpses of colour, sinking like mist into the nerves of your body.

23.10.2025

Actually I am terrified of showing you my art. I'm terrified you'll lose interest, turn away, as if you were bored of my very existence.

Impressions. I have been thinking a lot about them. Maybe to feel like I'm living I must clench my fist and smash this glass between me and life, a physical, visceral proof of myself. To mold life as if it were clay, wet paint, a daisy chain, twisting branches around sunlit hair...

"You should know that there is little you can seek in this world, that there is no need for you to be so greedy, in the end all you can achieve are memories, hazy, intangible, dreamlike memories which are impossible to articulate."

- Gao Xingjian, Soul Mountain

09.10.2025

To the stranger in the lecture hall who wrote THE FRAGILITY OF EXISTENCE on the board as their biggest worry right now:

I know. I know. This is all there is. This is all we'll ever be. This too shall pass, and it tears me apart alive into a thousand broken pieces.

5.10.2025

Autumn has sunk a little into my bones. Time still feels like it's passing by too fast. I try to get ahead of myself. I trip over my feet. I yearn for routine and for sustainability. I dream of creating art.

I search for beauty. I refuse to believe the world is an ugly place, because that would mean rejecting everything I've lived for up to this day.

I want to be as soft as can be. I want to be light and air, paper and shadow. I want to be deep and black as the night sky, the lifeforce of pulsating city lights, the harmless woodland animals, the flowers on the roadside. I want to be pink as lotus petals and crisp as morning fields. I want to be the blood on autumn leaves, the energy inside a particle accelerator, the beautiful insides of a computer, green-blue veins of a beating heart. A bolt of lightning searing across a broken sky. The melancholy of midnight rain.

To scream and to whisper.

17.09.2025

I'm back at home in London now! and feeling nervous for uni -_-; I've finally found the energy and time to work on this website... I had everything saved on my computer for most of the year and i want to get it out FINALLY!!!!!! Though over the summer I barely found the time to code and it seems I need to relearn a lot of things. sigh (◞‸◟；)


12.09.2025

I've missed the feeling of allowing myself to be transported into someone else's story, my heart hurting for a land which does not exist.

I've always felt that reality was not enough; secretly I wished for all this to be a grand adventure full of wonder and love but too often this life of mine has proved to be disappointing and dull.

I want to soar.

Thinking about the nature of imagination and imaginary worlds and other lives and parallel universes. Who says it's too childish to indulge in all this beauty? Who says escapism isn't a valid reason to love something?

Who says I can't believe in it?
Who says I can't live for it?
As Pessoa once wrote, what if we live out equally real facets of ourselves in these other dimensions?

The form of things is breaking apart. Reality is fraying at the edges, trembling with the whispered promise of another world.

Are you moved to tears by the sight of the sky?

09.09.2025

I never understood people who don't have a diary of some sorts. Then where do you put all these thoughts? Where do you hide all the pain? Do you carry it within you? Is the burden not heavy? Do you look for yourself in art? Are you moved to tears by the sight of the sky? How do you live? How do you live?

Why does everyone around me seem normal? Why are they able to lie in bed at night without their thoughts consuming them inside out? Where are the people who seem to think exactly like me? Who feel as deeply as I do? Is everyone hiding it, just like me? Will I ever truly understand someone? Will someone ever truly understand me? Will the loneliness end? It ends, eventually?

Will these fragments finally piece together? Will I bloom? I'll feel like I'm living my own life? I'll be whole?

31.08.2025

I am an onion. I keep peeling off layers of myself in desperate attempt to find a true, solid self without realising it's all me.

Why must I have an identity? I am simply a translator of worlds.

25.08.2025

Last night the rain was thick and misty, like clouds. I walked into the dark kitchen and looked out through the open window, forehead pressed against the mosquito net. The world outside was cold and bleak and even the light from the distant towers seemed so lonely. From the fifth floor of an apartment building I felt the weight of an empty world crush down from all around me and wanted to disappear. But the lights are still on in the hotpot restaurant across the street, there are people crowded around the small tables and in that moment that place seemed to me through those old blue-tinted windows as warm as could be.

11.08.2025

It occurs to me that I am looking for a place to call home. I have an intangible relationship with the land my parents came from. I am looking to see if I can call it home.

The cry of cicadas is very dear to me. Dreamlike creatures. Sunlight which paints the tip of trees the most wonderful green, and the sides of the curved temple rooftops a brilliant gold. I should be living more. I want to love this place more than I ever could.

If only I could put it into words, the gentle daze of all this. Sometime I think that this is what I'm living for. But it's so hard to think clearly here. I can only feel and feel and feel and choke on my words.

Is it worth it?

2025年07月09日

I used to think I had a good understanding of myself - or rather, as I read through my writing from two years ago, I used have a better understanding of myself than I currently do - but now, I'm so lost. I don't know where to start. On one hand, I feel like I'm too complex to understand. I've dug too deep and realised it was an impossible task from the start, like trying to unravel a tangled wire only to realise it was a dead knot. And then there are moments when I feel like I'm making it all up, that all of this is just in my head and I should stop trying to make sense of nothing and stop caring for these meaningless things and for god's sake just get a grip and stop wasting time and live a normal life like everyone else is but... there is too much proof that it is possible. Reading The Book of Disquiet and seeing his wild fluctuations that feel all too familiar, the way he seems to have himself in the palm of his hand, examining himself with scientific precision, proves to me that I was never alone in this attempt. And then there is another quiet, haunting, terrifying voice, telling me the map of my soul is not complex enough to be worth exploring; only a truly creative and poetic soul is worth the attempt and I'm just a fraud. Not creative nor eloquent enough for art, not logical nor resilient nor interested enough for science. I don't know what I'm doing. I keep going in circles, and I'm running out of time.

So, it's been half a year...

2025年07月01日

And it's already 2025 and I've finished my A-Levels! And I've finished secondary education! And I'm 18! And I'm going to university next year! And so much has happened...yet I read back at these entries and I'm still the same confused soul as I was a year ago. To be honest, this "diary" feels redundant as I've written constantly in my journals all this time, where I am much more personal, and the entries here are usually duplicates. But I think I'd like to keep this going - even if it means typing up existing text, as it'll be a good way to reflect on previous thoughts.

I might copy some of my journal entries during the time I was gone to fill the gap, when I feel like it.

I'm typing this at a desk in a library in Tianjin, China, where I'll be spending the summer. I got here three days ago, and I'm already overstimulated and my brain feels constantly foggy. It's clearer here in the library but out on the streets, online, in the shopping malls - everything is loud and bright and fast and oversaturated. It's sensory overload. I hope I get used to it soon.

04.04.2025

The dandelions are blooming on the roadsides, and it's stinging my eyes in a bittersweet way.

rage!!!

2024年12月30日

this is why i hate working in teams!!!! i'm already doing all the work, and noone seems to be bothered to just respond to my messages!!! i seem to be the only one who cares about this project?!! uagaggagggg!!!!!

X-mas shopping!

2024年12月21日

Went Xmas shopping with my dad this morning - Can you believe how cheap everything was at Tesco?!! Broccoli, parsnips, potatoes... all under 20p. Veggie heaven!! (ﾉ ˃ˋᗜˊ˂ )ﾉ

Self-worth

2024年11月15日

I'm battling with my thoughts today again, and I'm trying my best not to relapse. That would be a betrayal. That would be the opposite of what he would want.

Unconventional beauty

2024年月日

Lately I've been feeling disconnected from my physical body. There's me which other people see which does all the talking, smiling, and other necessary social interactions. Then there's the me inside my head, processing, thinking, feeling. But I've been thinking and feeling so much these days that I have no energy for anything else and my outside self is on autopilot.

My music teacher lent me his score of the Berio Sinfonia(with the Mahler recomposition) and ... its GIANT!!! It looks so intimidating too, though I love the cover design.



I think other people in my class think I'm shooting myself in the foot for picking such a strange and niche composition brief, to do it on Berio. But this is part of a wider need to expand my concept of beauty. Does that make sense? I've been thinking about it a lot, how my sense of beauty is too narrow. I'd like to consume and interact with new types of art and beauty. And though Berio and this post-WW2 avant-garde world scares and confuses me a lot, I think that's more of a reason to explore it! I'll try my best ^_^!!

There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.

2024年11月11日

I decided to get up an hour early today, though I couldn't see the sunrise. My window is west-facing, so I get to see dusk at the expense of dawn. Mornings have been so foggy recently, and combined with the blood-red trees, it's strangely beautiful.

Speaking of red, I felt like the only one wearing a poppy today ! I remember how much we did for Remembrance Day back in primary school, I guess it's just become a habit.

It's been a relief to finally talk to him again, after avoiding him for so long. I was just scared I hadn't sorted through my thoughts properly that I would just collapse into a broken mess. But my head was strangely calm. Maybe it will all hit me soon.

On another note, look at the bracelet I made for my friend! Isn't it cute?! ^_^ I learnt how to do the snake/Jigang knot (蛇结) and the peace knot (平结).

We are the last of our everything

2024年11月10日

I read a poem on the Underground today, "But the purest memory is the storybook moment when we stood there...and for once we became the characters we pencilled to paper." I want to live in these moments, I want to live in these pictures... I want to live. Do you understand what I mean? I'm not quite sure I do myself. All I know is that there somewhere, out there, there is a world where I am free to care about nothing but my art, the pure, terrifying intensity of emotion. I want a world where I am destroyed by my own feelings, not by the supression of them. I'm not sure... I don't think I belong here.

I was reading ZAMM on the train back, and I feel like something's finally clicking. It has been a hard read (I started it all the way in the summer!) but, unlike all the negative reviews I see of it online, Pirsig's writing speaks to me a lot. I think I understand why people don't like his fragmented, random sequence of writing, but I like the spontaneity and the free flow of thought. Maybe I'm reading it at a correct time in my life, especially as I'm examining and reflecting on the divides between the scientific and artistic in my own life right now. Though I have close to zero background knowledge in philosophy so most of the philosophical interjections go right over my head. I'm kind of inspired to get into philosophy these days. It might help a bit with everything that's going on inside my head.

Hegel, Sonata Form, Community

2024年11月07日



today in my music lesson we talked about Hegel and dialectics - thesis and antithesis in terms of thought systems in society, and how he believed history was headed to a "perfect society", one which achieves a synthesis (in its truest sense !) of the two. My teacher related this to sonata form in that the 1st subject serving as a thesis, the second subject its antithesis, and the development section a synthesis between the previous two materials.

It's interesting how philosophy makes its way into the most unexpected of places, such as in a traditional form of classical piano music.

on another note. that picture isn't just of some random church, it's a cool pic i took inside the Free Church next to our school where we held the school House Singing event earlier today.

i used to play in the symphony orchestra of my school, and i hated it, because i don't enjoy large gatherings of people in general. they would be so energy-draining, and, as a 2nd violin, i often felt irrelevant and unneeded. i quit two or three years ago. but today was the school house singing event which us Year 13s (are forced to) organise. it was quite a difficult process, but here we were, me on the piano, accompanying the children sing. and, now, back at home, i am feeling very happy. a warmth in my stomach that is deep and humming. there's a certain joy that social interaction can give you that nothing else can match. of course, i get most joy from solitude, but i've missed this feeling... standing at the back of the church, seeing everyone enjoying themselves, i thought to myself, this is the beauty of community - that each and every insignificant person among us can come together to create something beautiful.

Boo!!!

2024年10月31日




it's Halloween night... and time for all the cute favicons!!! there is a gentle buzz in the air, of tension and magic, sparkling fireworks, soft glow of pumpkins, colourful baskets of candies and excited little children. i hope everyone has a spook-tacular Halloween!

trees are schizophrenic now...

2024年10月26日

I'm finally free from school＼(^o^)／ for a week... I had a friend over yesterday and we took a walk in the park and the autumn leaves were falling in the wind like it was a shoujo anime :3c the trees have all become red and orange and it reminds me of one passage from The Secret History, something like "trees are schizophrenic now and beginning to lose control, enraged with the shock of their fiery new colours.. someone-was in Van Gogh - said that orange is the colour of insanity."

i'm starting to see pumpkins and little ghost decorations in front of peoples' houses now, and it's so exciting! i wish I could go trick-or-treating again...am I too old to?!

i just discovered what blinkies are and i love them!

2024年10月20日

i've had a super productive weekend! i've been wanting to reorganise my closet sometime, as well as do a big clean up of my room - i got some of that accomplished recently, as well as catching up with missed schoolwork! i spent this evening working on my homepage and i didn't even notice the hours passing :0 i think i finally get the hang of html... and i want to make my halloween-themed homepage soon!! anyways i am pretty tired right now so i'll head to bed ~ don't want to be late for school tomorrow, do we? ^^ goodnight⁠♡

I SURVIVED MY EXAM!!!

17/10/2024

i made it out alive. it wasn't at all dramatic like I'd been imagining. walking out of the exam hall, i felt kind of numb like all my purpose had been drained. but i'll find that purpose again. and i think i did the best i could for the time that i chose to dedicate to it.

i returned to school today, after skipping for almost a week to study X<. i was finally able to work on my music composition after school without the constant voice in my head telling me to revise. it's such a relief to be able to create again.



Sleepy days

05/10/2024

Hello(^^)/" today is one of those afternoons, when the warm sunlight is seeping into my room and there is soft piano in my ears...i am feeling very comfortable and sleepy right now, yet a little bittersweet that moments like these are so fleeting. I thought I'd capture it here.
It's been so long since we had guests over, it kind of reminds me of a summer weekend when I was 6 or 7, and me, Mum, Dad, and my brother were cleaning the kitchen for guests coming over. I have a lot of good memories in that old house. Anyways, we had hotpot today! I haven't had hotpot in so long!! Mum also bought watermelon today. Eating it today reminds me of this summer. I want to go back... TwT
The weather was so peaceful today. Considering there's only been rain, rain, rain for the past week. The sunlight was too beautiful for me to miss it. The light shimmering off the surfaces of my MDZS couple badges was so pretty, I had to take a photo! one day I want to do a photoshoot of all my badges like I see on 小红书 hehe >///<



I want to keep writing this as a memoir for future me. One who hates oneself for not doing enough. I want to say, this is enough. The daylight is beautiful and there is something worth waking up to and and I am slowly healing.

On another note, it's finally October! (I'm a bit late aren't I?) I've been wanting to make a Halloween-themed homepage like I see on some super cute websites here. Interview and exam preparation might take up my time, though. we'll see. I'm excited for halloween ~~

Thoughts on the way home from school.

02/10/2024

weird clouds

the weather was so strange today! I haven't seen rain with sun in a long time. I even saw a rainbow! ⋒ ( > 〰 < )♡ Here's a picture I took when I was walking under grey rainclouds with an opening in the sky of blinding white sun ahead of me. It felt very otherworldly.

I was walking from school to the train station this afternoon (because I only have lessons in the morning on Wednesdays wooho^3^!) and for some reason... I felt strangely sad that this was my last year here. I have always felt my experience at my school has not been great - I was always waiting, waiting for something, a moment where I would finally feel that I had accomplished something, that I had reached the finish line... until I eventually lost myself in the race.

I guess that's why I'm trying to write about me and my life more. So I can find myself in the process.

I'm going off topic again, aren't I? Somehow I felt a little sad that I would be leaving soon. Mainly because I left just in time to see the Year 6 girls walking home with their parents after their entrance exam today. It reminded me of 7 years ago, how I had walked with Mum along the very same path, under the very same canopy, to the same train station. I thought about how these little children will, one day, leave, too.

The passage of students, a school which remains. The movement of time, the stillness of space.

there are Sunflowers in my bathroom! ✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹

30/09/2024

It has been very painful as of lately. I am struggling to keep the pieces of my life from falling apart. what's worse is that I feel like I'm overreacting, just for some university admission exam. Everyone is handling the academic stress just fine, so why aren't you? I don't want to admit it, but I am someone who is so afraid of failiure that I'll freeze up and stand still just to avoid it. But I can't stop. I have to stand up again. I have to keep running. Because everyone else is, and I'll fall behind.
This weekend started well. I am proud that I was able to eat a proper meal on Saturday for the start of the day. I managed to get some work done that afternoon. But the next day got worse. I felt I had lost all meaning or sight of the goal. It's terrifying to not be able to do anything as the time passes by and the end gets near. As I'm writing this now, the panic is starting to rise again and I feel the need to do more.

I know this is just one small challenge in the life ahead of me, but right now, it feels like everything depends on this moment. I know I'll look back at this and laugh at how unecessarily worried I was. I guess that's why I'm writing this. I have to keep reminding myself. I will be fine. I am smart enough. I deserve a good education. I'll keep focused and not let the thoughts get to me too much. I'll try my best.

At least the sunflowers in the bathroom are beautiful. Mum must have replaced the flowers last night.

i hope it will be okay in the end.

???

16/09/2024

Who in their right mind would invent wasabi flavoured white rabbit milk candy?
???

my friends :>

14/09/2024

I often feel sad that my friends don't view the world the way that I do. I often feel that I am not surrounded by the right people. Today's dinner reunion in Chinatown for a friend's 18th was, as usual, tiring, but I found it strangely....comforting. There is a part of me that belongs with them too. I am reminded of how I became friends with them in the first place. Although they may not share my values, my view, my interests, they are still people I hold dear to me, in a different way. And it's nice to catch up and see that they are doing well, and to laugh with them once again.

summer is the shortest season

01/09/2024

September's here and the days are getting shorter and I am forced to say goodbye to the last of a carefree blue sky. Autumn is always a hard season for me to come to terms with, the painful evidence of a fading season ... but this year, I will try and see it in its own beauty and not in the shadow of Summer.

I Had A Really Bad Weekend

05/05/2024

"My life felt empty and unreal and I was embarrassed about its thinness, the way one might be embarrassed about wearing a stained or threadbare piece of clothing I felt like I was in danger of vanishing, though at the same time the feelings I had were so raw and overwhelming that I often wished I could find a way of losing myself altogether, perhaps for a few months, until the intensity diminished."

I am scared of vanishing. My life is so thin and shallow and someday I could just disappear and nothing would change. Every day I am living for rules that do not matter, smiling for expectations don't mean anything in the end. I drop out of a weekly commitment, but what does anyone have to care? I stop hanging out with my friends, but what do they know about everything that is going on in my head? I hang onto all these material items, keep them so dearly in my cabinet, associate with them pretty childhood memories that never existed, but what will happen to them when I die? Who will know of any of the worlds which mean so much to me? Everything will perish with me. Because what makes the brain superior to, say, that of my heart, my lungs, my intestines? I am as simple as the organs inside my body. I am saddened by just how little I really have. You say "Don't care about what others think" , but if I don't force society's rules onto me. I will find that all the meaning I found in art, in nature, in other human beings, in their eyes, in their words, in all those fake universes, I found them in the strangest places, but if I take that fatal look in the mirror, I will see that it was just ...me all along. It was just me and these empty eyes and my empty head filled with horrible thoughts all along. I was alone this whole time. I am so scared to be left alone with my own mind because I will fall into that unappeasable abyss of a black hole and then I will truly, truly, truly just disappear.

I Want To Be Me!

When someone ask me "So tell me about yourself" or something of the sort and offer me a rare chance to open up a little bit of my mind to them, I find myself at a loss of what to say, because there is just so much to say. It takes a lot of time to sift through what version of myself I should present, what I need to filter out, what I need to make more interesting. How much is truly my own thoughts and not just me agreeing to the general opinion of the conversation. And by then, someone else has probably joined the conversation, or it's moved on, or it's over.

it's really hard.

this sense of Self, that only seems to emerge when I'm alone.

Real music



i grew up classically trained.

there was always this mindset of... the "real" music. Real harmony. Serious harmony. Complex harmony. Four-point counterpoint. Harmonic progression. Structure. Development.

and I love classical music, but I also love so much more.

Compared to the soundworld I grew up in, my music, on the other hand, ... was shallow. incomplete. spontaneous. pretentious. i couldn't write real music. Not well, at least. So I didn't. Or if I did, I hid it, or laughed it off jokingly. Because only if I was writing "real" music would I be working hard. I used the cover of unseriousness to hide how much I cared about this music I was making.

Does all music have to be "real" music?

What even is "real" music?

Can't I stay here and enjoy the strange creations in my pocket, instead of catching up to the crowd following the open path? Can I walk down that half-formed, unacknowledged path? I hope i can at least open up another perspective to my view of this beautiful and simple landscape.

that's a start.

that's why I'll continue to work hard to write my shallow, spontaneous music.

Quiet Life

The sky at night is clear enough for me to see the stars.
In the house down the road she plays the piano.
I'm reminded of the special days by their fireworks.
On sunny days I can see the clouds from my window
and the light glints off the cars and the rooftops.
Such is my quiet life.

prelude

07/01/2024

this morning, i looked up from my desk and saw that my suncatcher, for the first time in several months, was diffracting light.

seeing the kaleidoscope of colours against the bedroom walls felt like a glimpse of the warmer days ahead.

spring, please come quickly this year ^_^

...aaand you've reached the end! Thanks for making it this far ^3^